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ahh... I love knowledge

Most of my books I got for my course today deal with psychology and counseling. There's uber amounts of information on my own anxiety disorders. Very fascinating.


enough already

Honestly, enough with the fucking christmas music on the radio. Yeah that's right, bah humbug.

way more patience than me

I went to the college today to buy a parking pass, get a student ID card, and I got half of my books I'll need. I have a lot of reading to do, lol. I feel good that I got that out of the way. Omg. The school closes Thursday for the holidays and doesn't open until I start classes in January.

I took my sons to see my boyfriend's house on Saturday, and the boys did everything they could to destruct and misbehave. We took them out to a trail for a walk and they were trying to destruct there too. I was seriously at the end of my rope, called them over to me and had an angry quick lecture with them, then they were fine. But getting me to that point was too much for my emotions, and I honestly thought how is my babe going to handle being around my kids when they're like this. He didn't say much, but did pipe in a couple times. He tried to reassure me back at his house, and said he would've spoken to them sooner if he were me. I said he was right.

After I left his house, I went to my best friend's house. While the boys played with her husband, I was crying to her. I could barely breathe I cried so hard. I told her everything the boys did, and how am I supposed to have a relationship with him if I can't take my boys to his house. She said honestly he doesn't mind the boys. I said I know the boys are just testing me. They're testing me because I'm with him, and they want to see what I'll be able to handle, they're testing him to see what he will handle and how he'll react. I said I know it's a normal child thing to do, but dude it was for three straight hours of them being bad and I can't take that. She said he knows the boys and he's known them for a long time, he knows what they're like. She said everything will be okay.

Well for some reason she was right. I called him late that night, but knew he was sleeping, no answer. He called back in the morning and I apologized. He said apologize for what. I said the way everything went yesterday. He's like nah, I'm not too worried about that. Then he said he wanted to come over in the afternoon. I was very surprised. He came over and spent the day with us, the boys were actually good, I think partly to do with seeing me cry so much the day before. He play wrestled with the boys and watched them play xbox and I invited him to stay for dinner. It was a really good day.

I don't get it. Honest to God. My boys were so bad on Saturday and he wasn't upset about it. He has way more patience than I do.
*sigh* He didn't come over tonight. He said he probably would. He called instead. I'm taking the boys over to see his house tomorrow. I've been there so many times, and the boys haven't seen his place yet, so I figure it's time they check it out. I like his house way more than mine.

As much as I find christmas to be and emotional train wreck every year, I was thinking this evening about christmas lights, and how many homes are decorated with lots of lights, and I figure I could take the boys out for a drive to look at the lights. I wouldn't do it for myself, I just know the boys would get a kick out of it. Christmas is only 10 days away. Usually I'm done my shopping way before now, but this year I just can't get into it. I have so much to do next week. I ventured to the mall today and ended up buying myself two pairs of boots, lol. Not exactly the christmas shopping I was intending on doing. One set was a winter pair I needed, and one set was these AWESOME knee-high black boots that look incredible on me. I'll be sure to wear those on christmas eve. Maybe not to grandma's christmas day, lol. *sigh* Christmas. Gifts. Chaos. Hurt feelings. Painful memories. Maybe I'll help my way through it with wine. There's always wine available at christmas.
I'd love to stop coughing. Seriously. I've got bronchitis.

Last night in my dream my man wanted out of our relationship. I remember reading his handwriting asking why couldn't I see that he wasn't ready for this yet. I remember crying and telling his sister (who is also my best friend), saying he doesn't love me, and he saw me from across the room which was full of people for some reason, and he walked over and stood infront of me, then wrapped his arms around me while I cried.

He said I don't see the problem with having you as a friend, and I said I don't want to be your friend, I'm more than that. The dream was very real and bizarre and I woke up with strong emotions for him. I know it stems from writing in my paper journal last night, and I wondered if he would come to love me even though I have anxiety disorders he doesn't know about yet. Or maybe he does. I don't know. I accept me for who I am, but will he? I deeply want him to.
I start college in three weeks. OMG. How the hell am I going to do this. Must download more music, yes, more music. I need to soothe my soul.